I feel lost. And you are the only person who can make me found again. With everything that is going on, I have no emotional support. Really have no one to turn to because no one knows me like you. No one can make feel less crazy, less alone like you. I thought I had someone who could do a little something but he’s gone now too. I wanna live for you but I think that’s too big of a responsibility for me to carry; you know I’m still finding my true self. You were coaching me along the way. I know I’m going to disappoint you but just remember I’m still trying my hardest to do right. I could use your hug, your voice, your laugh to control this madness raging inside of me. I don’t think it was your time to go. I don’t think this was supposed to happen. And I don’t know how I’m going to live without you. Now I have to tell my kids stories about you instead of them getting to find out themselves. I’m not supposed to be 26 mourning my dad. I’m not mad…I’m just shocked and so unbelievably sad. I don’t think I’ve ever been this sad and hurt….

I could scream but it just gets muffled with my sobs. I am trying to be strong and hold it together because that’s what you’d want. But you didn’t prepare me for this. We never talked about this. Never. We didn’t know this would soon. I was supposed to be with you next month. Why out of all the things we have ever talked about did we not talk about this? Why didn’t you tell me you were going to lose all of my favorite things of yours? I could use all of those things right now. I know you have to know how miserable I am right now and I know you want to reach out to me and tell me you love me and I’ll be ok. I know you want to be here just as bad.¬†

Never thought I would need you so much. But I do. But you’re gone. You’re not here anymore physically. But that’s what I need.



Don’t wanna close my eyes
I’m exhausted
And my days are wearing me down
Faking and fronting makes me weak
Sleep is my only recovery

Laying here – worrying about my day
I try to rest but my heart won’t give me peace
Finally it comes
Suddenly frame by frame
You break my heart all over again
Why this dream
Why this sleep

New day arrives with pain I have to choke down all over again
Day 10
Waiting for this phase to be over so I can be

You’ve become one of them that haunts my dreams