Day 11 of 30

Something you always think “What if…” about.

I laugh. What I always think What if about is…what if I was still with my first boyfriend, my high school boyfriend. I often think that if he and I were still together AND if I stayed in Richmond out of high school and not go to Blinn, I think we would have kids and live somewhere in Rosenberg. I probably wouldn’t have finished school or even gone at all. But then again, I would hope we not fall into the trap that is getting stuck in your hometown. I would hope we would go off and travel together or move away and be young and adventurous. But yeah I always wonder what life would be like if we were still a couple…how long it would last, or if we would be married. That boy used to be my universe…wonder what his life is like now.

Day 8 of 30

Share something you struggle with.

Oh the many things I struggle with. Self love/acceptance. Lacking a love life. Not on the career path I want to be on . Turning 30. The list goes on and on. So I guess I’ll talk about me lacking a love life/getting comfortable with being single. I’ve been single for about 5 or 6 years now after a 6 to 7 year relationship. My longest relationship. My most turbulent but loving relationship. I tell my ex all the time that me being single is my karma for the fucked shit I did in our relationship and I still believe it to this day. I went from 3 very steady long term relationships starting at the age of 14, with 2 short term ones scattered in between, to NOTHING. I mean seriously nothing. What the hell man? I can seriously think about every single dude I’ve tried to talk to, date, whatever, and nothing ever transpire. So why is that?

I’ve been told by people several answers. “Boys are dumb.” (duh) “It’s not your time yet.” (*insert hardcore eyeroll*) “You’re attracting the wrong kind of dudes. You’re trying to meet them in clubs and bars.” (where else do people go to meet people? don’t say a bookstore or coffee shop. when I’m in those places I’m not even trying to meet people so stop) “You’re too aggressive.” or “You’re not aggressive enough.” Oh and my favorite “You’re not as confident as you used to be.” (pfffft! i wonder why! oh maybe it’s cuz I’ve been burned SO MANY TIMES that my confidence has been shot to shit! fuckin hell…)

So sure maybe, MAYBE, some of these have some ground to stand on, but really it’s just what people to say to a single person to make them feel better about what’s going on. Currently, I’m in a space where I’m getting more comfortable with being single. No more searching dudes out. No more getting upset when things don’t work out. A more relaxed and confident demeanor. I’ve just stopped giving a fuck. I mean of course I still care a little, just don’t let it get to me like it once did. Sure there are like 2 dudes I have heart eyes for but I can’t force their hand. I was a smidge aggressive and guess what happened. Yeah and I laugh and shrug it off because what else is there to do?! I do shit for me, I take care of myself. I’m focused on my next step. No one else. Nothing else.

The first few years of being single was me trying to get over my ex, then it moved to try to do better than him because he got a girlfriend and I was bitter. Bitter and made some careless mistakes and was out there clinging on to anyone who gave me some bit of attention. Wasted time and mental energy. Lesson learned. I went through it all to learn more about me as a person, and who I wanted to be. I lost myself and when I found me again, I was stronger and more self resilient. Definitely more confident in who I truly am. I’m glad that I am becoming more okay with being single. I have my moments when I need, ache, crave for love and touch of someone else. Get love sick as shit. But that’s just the wave.

Day 7 of 30

List 10 songs that you are loving right now.

(THIS IS HARD.)

  1. Going to California – Zeppelin
  2. Dead Flowers – Rolling Stones
  3. Two Timin Touchin Broken Bones – The Hives
  4. Somebody Already Broke My Heart – Sade (stuck…pondering…)
  5. She – Taking Back Sunday covers Green Day (seriously it’s so nice)
  6. Let’s Pretend We’re Married – Prince
  7. Foolin – JMSN
  8. All I Do – Yuna
  9. Love Yourself – Dashboard Confessional (stuck again…thinking too hard…)
  10. Long Cool Woman – The Hollies

I hate lists. This was hard as fuck.

Day 6 of 30

List 5 ways to win your heart.

I laugh because these will seem silly as shit but they’re the truth.

  1. Make me laugh. I’m a really silly/goofy person, and I love to laugh a lot. I hardly take myself seriously and I like when someone doesn’t take themselves too seriously either. If you can laugh at yourself, I think that’s super cute. I like someone I can laugh at dumb shit with. It’s important.
  2. Gift me things that you know I will like and it’s always the little things. If it’s something that reminds you of me, and you think I’ll like it, hand it over. I’m such a simp for stuff like that. Mixtapes. Notebooks. Bic pens. Food. A book. I mean seriously it can be anything, as long as I know it comes from a place of love and care, I’m going to love it.
  3. Be yourself. I like when people are truly themselves, even it’s annoying or frustrating to me. I do like when people are comfortable in their own skin and in the ways that they are.
  4. Going out but doing something that shows me a side of a person that I don’t know or never seen before. Kind of like introducing me into a part of their world that they really don’t show people but feel comfortable enough for me to see it.
  5. Music. Introduce me to your favorite artists/musicians. Talk about why you love them so much or how you discovered them. Put me onto new music. It’s insanely sexy to me for a guy to put me onto music that they love and listen to a lot.

I’m still laughing. But I think this is accurate.