So Close

Pressed. Silently, we stood in his kitchen, the small of my back pressed against his counter. Arctic Monkeys plays from the living room. He breathes down on me, short breaths hitting the left side of my face. He’s stares down at me indifferently. No expression. No hitches in his breathing. His hands at either side of me, pinkies itching to be touched. He grabs my left hand, fingers weak in his strong grip. Slowly, he nibbles each finger tip, one by one, starting from my pinky, working his way to my thumb. Nerves tremble as he now kisses and sucks each tip, never breaking his stare. My lips separate as he does the deed. I envy my fingers getting such attention from such beautiful lips; oh how I’ve fantasized them on my own. The corner of his mouth twitches into a smirk as he concludes sucking on my thumb. His index is gently placed under my chin, guiding me towards the place I’ve always felt I belonged, pursed and tasted, enjoyed and savored. I lick my lips in anticipation, ready for the softest crash landing. A long time coming journey comes to unexpected stop, millimeters from home. He smiles devishly as he shakes his head no, abandoning me. He steps away gradually as my body internally crumbles of defeat. The tease leaves me shell shocked and achey. “Later.” he says before he slips out the door to join the party outside.

Random prompt

Saw a friend on facebook post about a writing prompt that I felt crazy compelled to do so I interrupt my daily challenge to do this prompt. Let’s see how this goes…

Write marriage vows to your fear or your vice.

Death. All these years I’ve never liked you. I get why you exist, I get why you happen. I grapple with accepting what you are everyday of my life, to try to find some comfort in you. I know that one day you will come and put my mind at ease, show me that things aren’t so scary with you and after you. I know that you will reunite me with people that I miss, that I love. I do vow to you, death, that I will accept you. That one day I will not be so afraid by you. That you will show me that I’m in a better place with you, as some people say. That the world won’t be dark and we will be able to exist together.

Day 4 of 30 (a day late)

Write about someone who inspires you.

This is kind of tough since a lot of people inspire me but someone who I have always loved and admired was my great great grandmother, who we called “Granny”. It was something about her demeanor and her aura that was just always so cool and so calm. Also she was like the oldest person I knew. She lived to be 103 years old. She was tough even at 103. And I always wanted to know what was the secret to a person being able to live that old. I wanted to live to be a 103 but as long as I was cool and sweet and so put together not only physically but mentally like my Granny. She broke her hip at like 98 or 99 years old and doctors thought she was going to fall into dementia and not make it past 100 years old. When she was on bed rest, she had moments where she was confused, thought she was in her slave days, didn’t recognize some of the family, spoke to dead people and God. I didn’t like seeing her that way and wouldn’t stay in the room when she was going through one of her episodes. I would lie next to her while she was sleeping. I loved and admired that woman so much. It was amazing to see her walking and back to her normal self. She died from a heart attack. Well, she had a heart attack and made it to the hospital and lived long enough for us to drive there. I cried and cried. She was the first person who really meant a lot to me to die and I was a hot ass mess her whole funeral. The crazy/phenomenal part of it all is when the doctors called us in to say our last goodbyes to her, she waved goodbye to us. Then she died. Just like that. Like she knew it was her time. Heartbreaking but also eye opening.

All the women in my family are made of strong foundation, and I think it all started with Granny. I felt in some way that she and I shared the same soul, the same spirit. I lived up underneath her. When she sat in her chair, I sat on the floor next to her and she would pat and rub my head as I rested my head on her legs. Seriously the greatest human to walk this earth and I wish I got to know more of her life while she was still alive.

She will always be someone I admire and love.

Day 3 of 30

What are your top three pet peeves?

  1. People who tell me “I have something to tell you” and then say nevermind and don’t tell me a damn thing. That shit drives me berserk. Don’t fix your mouth to tell me nothing and don’t pussy around it. If you have something to tell me and you have the balls to say that you do, well you better go on and tell me everything
  2. People who don’t use their blinker. Yes seriously. It’s there for a reason you need to fuckin utilize it.
  3. People who talk over people/interrupt them. Which leads to like everyone talking over everyone. Which leads to just loud talking and too much noise. Which ultimately annoys me and makes me wanna go sit somewhere by myself. I suppose that’s my introvert working when that happens.

Day 1 of 30

List 10 things that make you really happy

  1. Sleep
  2. drinking a really good beer
  3. museum trips with Sean (I miss them so much)
  4. snow cones from Chill Out
  5. egg rolls from Jack in the Box after a night of drinking
  6. really good music/my favorite songs
  7. forehead kisses
  8. sitting on the beach (I don’t get to do that often)
  9. sunny days
  10. buying books

Been a while

Who the fuck is calling my phone.

He awakes to TV on the PS4 screen. The Kung fu movie he fell asleep to had been over for hours now. He can hear his phone vibrate on the floor beneath him. Sleepily, he runs his hands along the carpet until he discovers it. It was her, the girl he had currently been spending his time with. Fuck. It was about 11:30. He definitely wanted to sleep in longer than this, especially on his day off. He wanted to spend the day making beats, smoking, and trying to have some sort of peace but she’s calling. 

“Yo.” He answers. Good bye original plans.

Since he couldn’t do exactly what he wanted, he would try to fit in buying records in with what she wanted to do with the day. Should’ve just told her I wanted to be left alone. But he was trying not to be that guy anymore. He was trying to show he could be interesting and not so antisocial. He didn’t know how he could even find the time or the willpower working two jobs, all he wanted to do was nothing. He was stressed out and being out and about stressed him more. No one can drive in this area of Houston. He hits a long drag from his cigarette as he glances over towards her. She sits idly by, flipping through Facebook on her phone. He fights to roll his eyes but they win. I should’ve just stayed the fuck at home. 

He parks across the street from Cactus. He heaves a huge sigh as he unbuckled his seatbelt. 

“Are you ok? You seem annoyed.” She asks.

“I’m straight.” He replies getting out the car. 

His mood was fucked and he couldn’t explain to her why. She wouldn’t understand. Really it would just hurt her feelings and he didn’t want to deal with all that shit. She reaches for his hand as they walk towards the store. He casually moves his hand towards his back pocket to reach for his wallet, hoping it wasn’t obvious he was avoiding holding her hand. She begins to chatter about some shit she went to the other night. He gives his best effort to listen. On and on, giving every detail, he nods and responds where he needs. He looks towards the window, noticing a shirt he hadn’t seen in a few years. A black Tee with a band design on the front. Up from the shirt he sees long greyish hair. He frowns, trying to figure out who could this be. The grey hair transitions to black, big gold hoops shining through as she pushes some hair behind her ear. She is looking down at a record behind her large thick framed glasses. His girl’s chatter has become distant as he focuses on the girl. It can’t be… He’s stopped in his tracks, staring. He thinks he knows who she is but it can’t be. She had moved away, right? It would makes sense; he knows that shirt. That is his shirt. Suddenly, she looks up from the record, towards the window and he’s spotted. Oh fuck that is her! She continues to look at him, startled and anxious. It has been years since they’d seen each other. Hell even spoken to each other. His heart is racing but he can’t let it be visible that he’s freaking out. 

“Hey what are you looking at?” His girl grips his arm. The girl inside looks away quickly, putting the record back and starts shoveling again. 

“Nothing.” He continues the walk back up the sidewalk into the store, dragging her along. 

“Why were you staring at her like that?!”

“No reason.” 

“Who is she?!”

“Doesn’t matter.” 

“Why won’t you tell me?!” 

“Because it’s not fucking important.” He says stern enough for her to shut up. 

“Fine. I’ll be over here minding my business.” She barks, thinking it will make him change his attitude but shit like that doesn’t work. Especially not today.

“Do that then.” 

He leaves her in the front of the store and makes his way to the records. This can’t be her. He hesitates by the entrance, seeing her there alone in the rock section. She continues to dig, not phased by seeing him coming into the store. Act natural as possible. 

             *************************

What the fuck is he doing here?!

She knew she had a chance of running into him here but deep down was hoping that it wouldn’t happen. She tried to see him before she left but he responded like he usually does, “yeah sure I’ll come by,” but he would never show up. You’d think after the 100th time it would hurt a little less but nope. Hurt like the first. Ugh and then he would be with his new girlfriend to add insult to injury…the fuck. But there was no way to escape the situation. She watched him from her peripheral walk towards the R&B section. She kept her trembling hands on the records to hide her nervousness. His lips twitched to say something. He continued to look upon her. She couldn’t tell if he was checking her out or if he was in disbelief that she was actually here. Ugh fuckin say something already!

“Is that really you?”

She tried to resist a grin. “Uh yeah I think so.” She picked up a Cream record.

“What…what are you doing here?” 

She turned the record over in her hands, avoiding eye contact. “Well I finally bought a record player so I’m buying records…”

“No what are you doing in town? Didn’t you move away for school?”

“Oh you remember that? Didn’t think you would since you act like I don’t exist.” Of course she had to be a bitch about it. Finally she looked up at him. He hadn’t changed a bit. She loved that. Damn he still looks good. 

“Look.”

She put her hand up, “Nah you really don’t have to.”

              **********************

Fuck she looks really good. She really hasn’t changed much.

He couldn’t help but stare at her. He only saw her through a screen on her social media sites. He knew she was nervous; she couldn’t stand to look at him long and kept digging through the records to hide her shaking hands. He didn’t know what else to say. He really wanted to explain why he couldn’t see her before she left. He couldn’t deal with the thought of her actually leaving. Thought it would be best for him not to see her at all. Couldn’t deal with the emotional turmoil it throws him in. Like right now.

“Your girlfriend is pretty I guess.” She laughs. “Damn I’m still a jealous ass ex after all this.” She shakes her head.

“That’s not my girlfriend.” 

She scoffs, “Oh my god are you still keeping that up?! Jesus…” 

“What I told you before…” 

“Again you don’t have to.”

She waves him off again as she moves over to another section. 

“It’s really good to see you.”

Fuck you let that slip out really?! She laughs loudly, surprised to hear him say that but he knows a smart ass remark is in retort. It makes him wish he kept that to himself. 

“Oh that’s nice to hear after 3 years…” 

She knew how to push his buttons. He was already in a shit mood because he was out of his bedroom. Now he had to deal with her smart ass mouth? A small part of him missed it though he did hate to admit. He hadn’t even looked at one record since being in the store. Just gazed upon her trying to be less anxious and more angry at him. But that’s not what he wanted after all this time. It was good to see her. He really missed her. He misses her. 

“Yeah…it’s good to see you too. You see I’m still wearing your shirts,” she pulls on the t-shirt, “the guys I’ve dated hated that,” she laughs again. “Ah well fuck em it’s not like they stuck around…” 

She stood still for a bit, drumming her fingers on the shelving. Something in him moved him. Slowly, he walks over to her with clenched fists. Something in him wanted to touch her again. Hold her. When he stood before her, he calls out to her,

“Hey.” 

Her eyes made contact with his as he started to wrap his arms around her. She inched backwards. 

“What are you doing?” 

Don’t you dare say it.

“I miss you.” He inches towards her.

“What? No you don’t…” She keeps moving.

“I really do. Now put your fuckin arms out.”

She stops. Relunctantly, she puts her arms out towards his neck. He scoops her up into him tightly. This was something he should have done years ago. She buries her face into his neck. Feeling the warmth of her breath on his skin relieved him. Fuck I really do miss her.

                 ********************

Being back in his arms feels like home.

They hugged for what seemed like hours. He felt so good on her skin. Just like old times. If they lingered here long enough she would want to kiss him. Her lips were already about his neck. Fight it. All of a sudden he squeezed her tighter around her lower back. This was a 3 years too late hug and it was making her sad. She wanted out soon. She didn’t waste tears on him anymore.

“Can you let me go now? Please?” She choked. He shook his head no. “I really don’t want to cry in front of you…”

He sighed as he let her go but it was too late. The tears were already running. He took his hands and started rubbing them away, which only made her cry more. She missed him doing that. 

“I love you. I still love you.”

She cried out, “Shut the fuck up. Why the fuck are you doing this to me?! I was good. I was ok. Why are you saying all of this now?!”

“Because I think you should know it never went away. I thought I should let you go so we could live our lives. But I never stopped loving you.” 

She covered her cries with her hands as he confessed to her. He knew this wasn’t an ideal place to say these things but when else would he have the chance? It was breaking him to see her cry like this. All he could do was help her wipe them away. Shortly she started gathering herself, the tears slowed down. Her breathing became calm again. She glared up at him. 

“You’re a fucking asshole.”

“Yeah that hasn’t changed.” 

She tried to fight back a laugh. “Yeah I see.” She sighs, “I still love you too.”

Off the dome #4

As she nervously drummed her fingers on the desk, she glanced over at her phone. What was the hold up? She hoped everything was going well. She had nothing to worry about…nope. Nothing to worry about at all. It had been a few days since she had heard from him. Was it something that she said? She had nothing to worry about. Fingers stopped drumming. Maybe she should call him? What if he doesn’t answer? Then she’ll just be mad at herself for reaching out to him and him not responding. Oh my God. Fuck it, just fuck it. She pushed the phone off the desk out of frustration. It made a loud smacking noise as it hit the tile floor. She winced, prayed that the screen didn’t splinter from the impact. Her history was mocking her loudly in the face; she was constantly putting herself out there with men and getting nothing in the end. And it wasn’t about not putting out. Just seemed as if they couldn’t stick…distracted even. that’s just men though, right? Scattered brain. Her eyes scanned her office, bare beige walls facing her, and she thinks it’s time to start decorating. Been here for 3 months why not. The tile started buzzing. She flew from her leather throne to swoop up her phone, happy to see the screen in one piece. Also glad to see his name flashing before her eyes. With a gratifying sigh, she answers.