Saw a friend on facebook post about a writing prompt that I felt crazy compelled to do so I interrupt my daily challenge to do this prompt. Let’s see how this goes…
Write marriage vows to your fear or your vice.
Death. All these years I’ve never liked you. I get why you exist, I get why you happen. I grapple with accepting what you are everyday of my life, to try to find some comfort in you. I know that one day you will come and put my mind at ease, show me that things aren’t so scary with you and after you. I know that you will reunite me with people that I miss, that I love. I do vow to you, death, that I will accept you. That one day I will not be so afraid by you. That you will show me that I’m in a better place with you, as some people say. That the world won’t be dark and we will be able to exist together.
“I had this dream once, I don’t remember when exactly but um…it was the kind of dream someone never wants to have. Anyway, I had this dream once that I was just going day to day, checking my phone every once in a while, just living…wondering why I hadn’t heard from you. I would always get that tiny twinge of fear in the base of my heart that something has happened to you when I don’t hear from you. But yeah so I don’t know I think a week goes by, you know there’s no real time in a dream…a week goes by and I decide to be like fuck it I’ll go by his house and see if he’s there. And your car is outside and I ring the doorbell. Your brother comes to the door all red and puffy eyed, surprised to see me. So I ask him if you’re home. He was so confused, asked if I was fucking with him and I was like what no where’s your brother I haven’t heard from him in a week. Then he looked crushed. Looked down at his feet and mumbled, he’s gone he died. Then I woke up. I woke up and cried and cried…couldn’t go back to sleep for like an hour because…that’s a real fear of mine. I’m afraid that if something detrimental happened to you that I wouldn’t know…that scares the living shit out of me…”
I feel lost. And you are the only person who can make me found again. With everything that is going on, I have no emotional support. Really have no one to turn to because no one knows me like you. No one can make feel less crazy, less alone like you. I thought I had someone who could do a little something but he’s gone now too. I wanna live for you but I think that’s too big of a responsibility for me to carry; you know I’m still finding my true self. You were coaching me along the way. I know I’m going to disappoint you but just remember I’m still trying my hardest to do right. I could use your hug, your voice, your laugh to control this madness raging inside of me. I don’t think it was your time to go. I don’t think this was supposed to happen. And I don’t know how I’m going to live without you. Now I have to tell my kids stories about you instead of them getting to find out themselves. I’m not supposed to be 26 mourning my dad. I’m not mad…I’m just shocked and so unbelievably sad. I don’t think I’ve ever been this sad and hurt….
I could scream but it just gets muffled with my sobs. I am trying to be strong and hold it together because that’s what you’d want. But you didn’t prepare me for this. We never talked about this. Never. We didn’t know this would happen.so soon. I was supposed to be with you next month. Why out of all the things we have ever talked about did we not talk about this? Why didn’t you tell me you were going to lose all of my favorite things of yours? I could use all of those things right now. I know you have to know how miserable I am right now and I know you want to reach out to me and tell me you love me and I’ll be ok. I know you want to be here just as bad.
Never thought I would need you so much. But I do. But you’re gone. You’re not here anymore physically. But that’s what I need.