Random prompt

Saw a friend on facebook post about a writing prompt that I felt crazy compelled to do so I interrupt my daily challenge to do this prompt. Let’s see how this goes…

Write marriage vows to your fear or your vice.

Death. All these years I’ve never liked you. I get why you exist, I get why you happen. I grapple with accepting what you are everyday of my life, to try to find some comfort in you. I know that one day you will come and put my mind at ease, show me that things aren’t so scary with you and after you. I know that you will reunite me with people that I miss, that I love. I do vow to you, death, that I will accept you. That one day I will not be so afraid by you. That you will show me that I’m in a better place with you, as some people say. That the world won’t be dark and we will be able to exist together.

Advertisements

Day 8 of 30

Share something you struggle with.

Oh the many things I struggle with. Self love/acceptance. Lacking a love life. Not on the career path I want to be on . Turning 30. The list goes on and on. So I guess I’ll talk about me lacking a love life/getting comfortable with being single. I’ve been single for about 5 or 6 years now after a 6 to 7 year relationship. My longest relationship. My most turbulent but loving relationship. I tell my ex all the time that me being single is my karma for the fucked shit I did in our relationship and I still believe it to this day. I went from 3 very steady long term relationships starting at the age of 14, with 2 short term ones scattered in between, to NOTHING. I mean seriously nothing. What the hell man? I can seriously think about every single dude I’ve tried to talk to, date, whatever, and nothing ever transpire. So why is that?

I’ve been told by people several answers. “Boys are dumb.” (duh) “It’s not your time yet.” (*insert hardcore eyeroll*) “You’re attracting the wrong kind of dudes. You’re trying to meet them in clubs and bars.” (where else do people go to meet people? don’t say a bookstore or coffee shop. when I’m in those places I’m not even trying to meet people so stop) “You’re too aggressive.” or “You’re not aggressive enough.” Oh and my favorite “You’re not as confident as you used to be.” (pfffft! i wonder why! oh maybe it’s cuz I’ve been burned SO MANY TIMES that my confidence has been shot to shit! fuckin hell…)

So sure maybe, MAYBE, some of these have some ground to stand on, but really it’s just what people to say to a single person to make them feel better about what’s going on. Currently, I’m in a space where I’m getting more comfortable with being single. No more searching dudes out. No more getting upset when things don’t work out. A more relaxed and confident demeanor. I’ve just stopped giving a fuck. I mean of course I still care a little, just don’t let it get to me like it once did. Sure there are like 2 dudes I have heart eyes for but I can’t force their hand. I was a smidge aggressive and guess what happened. Yeah and I laugh and shrug it off because what else is there to do?! I do shit for me, I take care of myself. I’m focused on my next step. No one else. Nothing else.

The first few years of being single was me trying to get over my ex, then it moved to try to do better than him because he got a girlfriend and I was bitter. Bitter and made some careless mistakes and was out there clinging on to anyone who gave me some bit of attention. Wasted time and mental energy. Lesson learned. I went through it all to learn more about me as a person, and who I wanted to be. I lost myself and when I found me again, I was stronger and more self resilient. Definitely more confident in who I truly am. I’m glad that I am becoming more okay with being single. I have my moments when I need, ache, crave for love and touch of someone else. Get love sick as shit. But that’s just the wave.