I don’t want to be here.

You brought me here. Put me exactly right here in this spot, on this ledge. You took me by the hand, smiled and kissed me all the way here. I didn’t stray or hesitate. Blindly, I allowed you to take me here with your words and your hugs and your sweetness. I fell deep into your eyes, hypnotized by your lips. You made me feel better than I had in such a long time, I almost forgot what this feeling was like until I met you. It was cozy. It was safe. You would hold me and it felt warm and right.

You took me here. So abruptly, you dragged me here and now I’m crumbling. You made me feel unwanted. I wanted to try but you left me here, stunned and embarrassed. I try not to take it personal, this sense of rejection. I think how could I have been so stupid? But it wasn’t me, you brought me here. You led me to believe that you would be here with me just to abandon me with nothing. Just confusion. It reopens all the wounds I took so much time to mend and repair and forget. I opened myself wide open I was ready to jump…but you left me here.

Down and down…

You ol’ lonely fool. Look at you. Pitiful. Tears in your whisky neat. Chucks upon your feet. Why do you continue to cry? Why do you continue to waste tears on a man who hasn’t been yours in many years? Pathetic. Once a month, you find yourself right here in these feelings, down this rabbit hole of what if’s and if I could’s. But you can’t. That window has been closed. So you sit, at a bar, in the yard, in the bed, quietly crying to yourself about someone you lost long ago. Get over it. Let it go. And you try. Goddamn, you tried everything but still this stabbing, gnawing pain exists in your chest. No matter who you’re with or where you are, he exists in his corner of your mind. Good and bad, you see every face and every moment. You see his back, freckled and soft. You see his fingers, long and boney. Shake out of it. Don’t fall any deeper. You sniffle as you think about them together, doing things y’all used to do. But you still do, alone. God, you feel so alone sometimes. Your whisky is salty as you begrudgingly choke down the rest. There isn’t enough whisky in the world to drown you here in this hole. Drown out the noise. Drown out the knowledge, his whole entire existence. You clutch at the roots of your hair as scene by scene flash in the back of your eyes. You fool. You’re a glutton for punishment. You’re ridiculous. I know, I know, you cry. They say give it time, but time has NEVER been on your side. This karma is vicious. The worst it has ever been. And no matter how often you want to fall off the face of this horrible planet, you somehow stop yourself from disappearing. You somehow know you’re so much better than this shit. This is bullshit. I know, I know, you clinch your fist. You begin your climb out of the hole. You see his smile, goofy and big. You see his skin, warm and enticing. Your breathing becomes normal and your eyes cease their torrential pour. Time heals all wounds and you can attest to that. And even if you know you’ll be right back here soon enough, you dry it up with one big breath, another glass please. This one will be sweeter.

Ghost

Don’t wanna close my eyes
I’m exhausted
And my days are wearing me down
Faking and fronting makes me weak
Sleep is my only recovery

Laying here – worrying about my day
I try to rest but my heart won’t give me peace
Finally it comes
Darkness
Suddenly frame by frame
You break my heart all over again
Why this dream
Why this sleep

New day arrives with pain I have to choke down all over again
Day 10
Waiting for this phase to be over so I can be

You’ve become one of them that haunts my dreams