So Close

Pressed. Silently, we stood in his kitchen, the small of my back pressed against his counter. Arctic Monkeys plays from the living room. He breathes down on me, short breaths hitting the left side of my face. He’s stares down at me indifferently. No expression. No hitches in his breathing. His hands at either side of me, pinkies itching to be touched. He grabs my left hand, fingers weak in his strong grip. Slowly, he nibbles each finger tip, one by one, starting from my pinky, working his way to my thumb. Nerves tremble as he now kisses and sucks each tip, never breaking his stare. My lips separate as he does the deed. I envy my fingers getting such attention from such beautiful lips; oh how I’ve fantasized them on my own. The corner of his mouth twitches into a smirk as he concludes sucking on my thumb. His index is gently placed under my chin, guiding me towards the place I’ve always felt I belonged, pursed and tasted, enjoyed and savored. I lick my lips in anticipation, ready for the softest crash landing. A long time coming journey comes to unexpected stop, millimeters from home. He smiles devishly as he shakes his head no, abandoning me. He steps away gradually as my body internally crumbles of defeat. The tease leaves me shell shocked and achey. “Later.” he says before he slips out the door to join the party outside.

Random prompt

Saw a friend on facebook post about a writing prompt that I felt crazy compelled to do so I interrupt my daily challenge to do this prompt. Let’s see how this goes…

Write marriage vows to your fear or your vice.

Death. All these years I’ve never liked you. I get why you exist, I get why you happen. I grapple with accepting what you are everyday of my life, to try to find some comfort in you. I know that one day you will come and put my mind at ease, show me that things aren’t so scary with you and after you. I know that you will reunite me with people that I miss, that I love. I do vow to you, death, that I will accept you. That one day I will not be so afraid by you. That you will show me that I’m in a better place with you, as some people say. That the world won’t be dark and we will be able to exist together.

Day 8 of 30

Share something you struggle with.

Oh the many things I struggle with. Self love/acceptance. Lacking a love life. Not on the career path I want to be on . Turning 30. The list goes on and on. So I guess I’ll talk about me lacking a love life/getting comfortable with being single. I’ve been single for about 5 or 6 years now after a 6 to 7 year relationship. My longest relationship. My most turbulent but loving relationship. I tell my ex all the time that me being single is my karma for the fucked shit I did in our relationship and I still believe it to this day. I went from 3 very steady long term relationships starting at the age of 14, with 2 short term ones scattered in between, to NOTHING. I mean seriously nothing. What the hell man? I can seriously think about every single dude I’ve tried to talk to, date, whatever, and nothing ever transpire. So why is that?

I’ve been told by people several answers. “Boys are dumb.” (duh) “It’s not your time yet.” (*insert hardcore eyeroll*) “You’re attracting the wrong kind of dudes. You’re trying to meet them in clubs and bars.” (where else do people go to meet people? don’t say a bookstore or coffee shop. when I’m in those places I’m not even trying to meet people so stop) “You’re too aggressive.” or “You’re not aggressive enough.” Oh and my favorite “You’re not as confident as you used to be.” (pfffft! i wonder why! oh maybe it’s cuz I’ve been burned SO MANY TIMES that my confidence has been shot to shit! fuckin hell…)

So sure maybe, MAYBE, some of these have some ground to stand on, but really it’s just what people to say to a single person to make them feel better about what’s going on. Currently, I’m in a space where I’m getting more comfortable with being single. No more searching dudes out. No more getting upset when things don’t work out. A more relaxed and confident demeanor. I’ve just stopped giving a fuck. I mean of course I still care a little, just don’t let it get to me like it once did. Sure there are like 2 dudes I have heart eyes for but I can’t force their hand. I was a smidge aggressive and guess what happened. Yeah and I laugh and shrug it off because what else is there to do?! I do shit for me, I take care of myself. I’m focused on my next step. No one else. Nothing else.

The first few years of being single was me trying to get over my ex, then it moved to try to do better than him because he got a girlfriend and I was bitter. Bitter and made some careless mistakes and was out there clinging on to anyone who gave me some bit of attention. Wasted time and mental energy. Lesson learned. I went through it all to learn more about me as a person, and who I wanted to be. I lost myself and when I found me again, I was stronger and more self resilient. Definitely more confident in who I truly am. I’m glad that I am becoming more okay with being single. I have my moments when I need, ache, crave for love and touch of someone else. Get love sick as shit. But that’s just the wave.

Day 7 of 30

List 10 songs that you are loving right now.

(THIS IS HARD.)

  1. Going to California – Zeppelin
  2. Dead Flowers – Rolling Stones
  3. Two Timin Touchin Broken Bones – The Hives
  4. Somebody Already Broke My Heart – Sade (stuck…pondering…)
  5. She – Taking Back Sunday covers Green Day (seriously it’s so nice)
  6. Let’s Pretend We’re Married – Prince
  7. Foolin – JMSN
  8. All I Do – Yuna
  9. Love Yourself – Dashboard Confessional (stuck again…thinking too hard…)
  10. Long Cool Woman – The Hollies

I hate lists. This was hard as fuck.

Day 6 of 30

List 5 ways to win your heart.

I laugh because these will seem silly as shit but they’re the truth.

  1. Make me laugh. I’m a really silly/goofy person, and I love to laugh a lot. I hardly take myself seriously and I like when someone doesn’t take themselves too seriously either. If you can laugh at yourself, I think that’s super cute. I like someone I can laugh at dumb shit with. It’s important.
  2. Gift me things that you know I will like and it’s always the little things. If it’s something that reminds you of me, and you think I’ll like it, hand it over. I’m such a simp for stuff like that. Mixtapes. Notebooks. Bic pens. Food. A book. I mean seriously it can be anything, as long as I know it comes from a place of love and care, I’m going to love it.
  3. Be yourself. I like when people are truly themselves, even it’s annoying or frustrating to me. I do like when people are comfortable in their own skin and in the ways that they are.
  4. Going out but doing something that shows me a side of a person that I don’t know or never seen before. Kind of like introducing me into a part of their world that they really don’t show people but feel comfortable enough for me to see it.
  5. Music. Introduce me to your favorite artists/musicians. Talk about why you love them so much or how you discovered them. Put me onto new music. It’s insanely sexy to me for a guy to put me onto music that they love and listen to a lot.

I’m still laughing. But I think this is accurate.

Day 4 of 30 (a day late)

Write about someone who inspires you.

This is kind of tough since a lot of people inspire me but someone who I have always loved and admired was my great great grandmother, who we called “Granny”. It was something about her demeanor and her aura that was just always so cool and so calm. Also she was like the oldest person I knew. She lived to be 103 years old. She was tough even at 103. And I always wanted to know what was the secret to a person being able to live that old. I wanted to live to be a 103 but as long as I was cool and sweet and so put together not only physically but mentally like my Granny. She broke her hip at like 98 or 99 years old and doctors thought she was going to fall into dementia and not make it past 100 years old. When she was on bed rest, she had moments where she was confused, thought she was in her slave days, didn’t recognize some of the family, spoke to dead people and God. I didn’t like seeing her that way and wouldn’t stay in the room when she was going through one of her episodes. I would lie next to her while she was sleeping. I loved and admired that woman so much. It was amazing to see her walking and back to her normal self. She died from a heart attack. Well, she had a heart attack and made it to the hospital and lived long enough for us to drive there. I cried and cried. She was the first person who really meant a lot to me to die and I was a hot ass mess her whole funeral. The crazy/phenomenal part of it all is when the doctors called us in to say our last goodbyes to her, she waved goodbye to us. Then she died. Just like that. Like she knew it was her time. Heartbreaking but also eye opening.

All the women in my family are made of strong foundation, and I think it all started with Granny. I felt in some way that she and I shared the same soul, the same spirit. I lived up underneath her. When she sat in her chair, I sat on the floor next to her and she would pat and rub my head as I rested my head on her legs. Seriously the greatest human to walk this earth and I wish I got to know more of her life while she was still alive.

She will always be someone I admire and love.