The Answers

Part 2 of The Questions (this was something I started many years ago and just finished.)

He’s been existing in my dreams. The sun is blinding as it comes through the white sheer curtains, illuminating the hotel room. No need for an alarm as usual. I rub my eyelids, recounting my dream. Last night’s vision has me craving his touch even more than usual. I grunt out of frustration. The tour was now complete and it was time for me to return home. Time to see how much things have changed, to see if he has changed. The last time I saw him was at a stop in Texas. Couldn’t believe he flew out to Austin just to be with me. The book and tour was a huge hit and the new found fame really hasn’t hit me yet. I stare at the white wall before me, curious of what time it is. My watch alerts me that it’s 8:57 a.m. I groan, hoping that I would actually be able to sleep in. There hasn’t been a late afternoon awakening in so long that I was beginning to miss the late night rumpuses of home. I loved that Krys kept me posted on all the ins and outs of the tribe, dishing dirt of what’s been going on at the gatherings and keeping a close eye on him. We decided not to speak while I was gone…but then he came and surprised me in Austin. Krys didn’t even know about that.

“That little fucker…how did he sneak that by me?!” she shouted a week later on Facetime.

I giggled, delighted that she didn’t know because I knew she would try to kill the surprise. “Dude, I don’t know but I’m glad he did. You’re a blabber mouth.”

“Soooooo…what did y’all do?” she places her chin in her hand, ready for the scoop. “Did you two FINALLY hook up or what?”

I just smiled. Oh nosey ass girl. It was kind of early in the tour, and I was where I usually am, pacing around backstage, doing breathing exercises and coaxing myself to be brave. No matter how many times I perform, I still get anxious. All of a sudden, his smell came wafting by. I hesitated in my pacing; I thought I was losing my mind, that my anxiety made me conjure him up.

“Hey there poet.”

Now I could hear him?! Shit I am losing it!  But I turn to see him standing there, smiling so hard, proud of himself. Without thinking, I ran into him, connecting with a hard smack. All these feelings enveloped me as he wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his head on my left shoulder. I choked on tears, my heart beating outside of my chest. How could this be? What made him come to me? And why on this date?

“Is this really happening? Is this for real?” I run my hands up and down his back, breathing in his smell. I was obsessed with his fragrance. I could live in it.

“Yeah of course this is real,” he chuckles, “I missed you. I don’t know why we decided to go all this time not talking to each other.”

A month or so had passed since I left home. Now that he was here, I began to wonder the same. I missed the shit out of him. Not to mention, my whole tour was about him. Every night I performed required me to recite poems about him, speak about him, answer questions about him. A lot of questions I didn’t have an answer for yet since I decided to up and leave him. The Q and A part was definitely the hardest part for me to deal with. On my downtime, I wanted to pick up my phone and call him or text him, just to see or hear him say, “hey.” Sometimes that’s all I wanted. If Krys was around him, she’d let me know he was sending kissy faces her way for me or she would describe to me what he was doing and wearing. She knew that I needed it. Touring was lonely. And as much as I wanted him to be with him, I knew that I needed to do this by myself. We needed to be apart.

“This is amazing! I can’t believe you’re here! Oh my God I’m shaking!” I leave his arms to wipe the tears off my face, to look at him stand before me. His hair was longer, shaved on the sides, bangs falling in his face a little bit and he had been working out. I grip his arms, grinning at how thick they felt. “Are you working out? Whaaaaa…?”

He looks down with slight embarrassment. “I have too much time on my hands lately…”

I rub his arms down to his hands, look and play with his fingers, tempted to kiss them. I see that he’s wearing the newly designed Chuck Taylors and I make a face at him. He laughs and nods, “Yeah I knew you would hate them…” My stomach does a flip as I bite back a smile. He knows me. With my index finger, I push his hair out of his face. He runs his fingers through his hair in response. My heart skips a beat. Everything felt insanely electric. My skin was on fire and goosebumped. I didn’t even want to go on stage. Just wanted to stand here and touch him.

“Ugh man you look so good…I didn’t think you’d look any different but you kind of do. I like it. I love your hair.” Now I’m touching his face, lining his bottom lip with my thumb. “Fuck. I’ve really missed you.”

We stare at each other for a few second before I hear, “Kyndle. It’s time.”

The alert makes me jump out of my haze. I look back at the stage guy and inform him I’ll be right there. Cyrus grabs my hand gently. I almost forgot what that felt like. A month was too long for him not to be around. God we are idiots for thinking we could have gone the whole tour not speaking.

“Look I’m here for however long you are. I bought a one way. I had to see you; hearing of you through Krys and the internet was driving me crazy. You have time to hang out right? I want to take you out. Let’s see the city! Let’s get drunk…I want to enjoy you.”

It’s all smiles as he confesses to me. “Yeah of course. I have however much time you want. We can do whatever. Are you gonna stay for the show?”

Him sitting in the audience was nerve wrecking since he had never seen me perform before. I was hoping no one would notice him and lose it once they realized that my muse was amongst them. My fans were truly enraptured up in our romance. Our unrequited love was relatable. They wanted to know every little bit of detail about him. What he looked like, what did he like to drink, what was his favorite feature about me the list goes on. They loved Cyrus just as much as I did. The spotlight was a good distraction from his eyes piercing into my soul as I spoke about him. Glad that there was no Q and A this time around; he would be embarrassed by how obsessed some of my readers became of him. He sat around and waited for the coffee shop to clear out. A few fans lingered, asking what I was doing with the rest of my time here and if they could show me around. I declined, letting them know that I had someone from back home visiting but reassuring that it wasn’t Cyrus. Eventually they quit bugging me and my night with Cyrus began.

We started the night eating pizza at a place off South Congress called Home Slice, talking about things that were going on in our separate lives. He expressed to me that once I left, he didn’t go to many gatherings of the tribe, that it physically hurt him to be there and not see me taking shots of Jack in a corner alone or lying on the floor at Krys’s, high as kite, humming along to the music. It wasn’t until one night Krys went over to his house to physically drag him out that he knew he couldn’t fall off the face of the earth. Three weeks he didn’t participate. She fussed at him, told him it was going to be impossible to do her job as a spy if he was going to be constantly locked up in his house. That’s my girl. After that he would send Kyndle updates to relay back to me and she would update him about me. After pizza, we went up a block or two to a bar where shots of Jack and loud punk music was to be had. Between drinks and shouting lyrics, we kissed each other silly. I almost forgot what his mouth tasted like. Soon, we were too drunk to remember the words to The Ramones so it was time to go.

Once we got back to my hotel, we didn’t know what to do. We felt like a high school couple who was about to do it for the first time. We kind of awkwardly laid around in the bed, laughing at our drunken slurs while we held hands. Even in my drunken state, I was nervous as all fuck. It had been so long since we were together like this, close like this, and as much as I wanted to jump on him, my brain wouldn’t shut up and let me be. But lying here with him like this was just as good. Whiskey was making the ceiling swirl and twirl as I giggled at Cyrus telling a dumb story about him and his friends doing shrooms. I could feel his breath on my neck as he narrates the foolishness, his right hand holding onto my arm. As he concludes, his lips graze my earlobe. My breath is caught as he begins to kisses my ear down to my neck. My nerves don’t steady as he changes his course up my chin to my lips. He stops, hovering over them, and barely whispers,

“I’m in love with you.”

“I know. I remember.” I whisper in return.

My eyes flutter close as he runs his lips over mine. “Are you in love with me?”

“That’s silly to ask don’t you think?” It takes so much for me not to have a heart attack.

“I have yet to hear you say it.”

Now he’s using the very tip of his tongue to trace my lips. I squeeze his hand.

“I am in love with you. I have been in love with you since I was 16 years old.”

He ends my torment with a kiss. It was the best kiss I think I’ve ever had. That night with Cyrus locked everything we ever felt towards each other tight. Everything I’ve ever wanted from him was now set in stone.

I stare out the patio doors of my hotel room, reminiscing about that night, remembering Krys’s reaction telling her all what happened. She had the nerve to get misty eyed on me and quickly ended the FaceTime, closing with how she couldn’t wait for me to come home. Hell I couldn’t wait either. All I wanted was to see him, see that stupid smug grin of his because he knew I was his. No questions asked. It seemed warm out. The sky was way too blue and the sun was just way too bright. Bags already packed I waited for my publicist to knock on my door. I was ready for the next chapter, the next big step in this story of me and Cyrus.

Best part of coming home was not coming home to my parents’ house. While on tour, I got to virtually hunt for a new home. That’s how well everything was going. I tried to ignore the amount of success my book was doing. I never really thought of it a big deal, just a brush with fate. It was oddly satisfying to furnish an apartment all online, with some help of my darling bff. Everything was here and placed exactly how I wanted. Before my bag could even hit the ground in my bedroom, my phone chimed. It was my darling bff.

 

“Hello my love. Are you home? Holy hell I missed the shit out of you…I will not come over until you say its cool….is it cool? Please let it be cool…”

 

I laugh as I reply, alerting her that it was cool for her to come through. Luckily I was not jet lagged from the journey home and would love to hug the shit out of her neck. Shortly after the text sent, there was a knock at the door. Well I should have known.

“It’s open loser!” I shout to the door.

“OK so maybe I had been sitting outside waiting your arrival.” Krys announces as she walks in.

“I don’t know why you didn’t just come up when you saw my Uber pull up.”

“Pfft. And look like a stalker? You must be crazy.”

She stands in my bedroom doorway with a six pack and a bottle of cheap champagne with a smile from ear to ear. My friend hasn’t changed a bit and I loved her for it. We hug for what seems like forever, trying not to be pussies and cry but alas, we are women. We cannot help ourselves. We cry and laugh and wipe away each other’s tears while talking shit.

“Nut up dammit.”

“No you. Goddammit you’re such a cry baby.”

“Eat me Kyn.”

But damn, I’m stupid happy to see her. She pans the room, admiring her work in helping me decorate my room the way I wanted. She’s a little smug, crooked grin exposed. She plops down on my navy velvety comforter and rubs it down with glee. She’s just as pleased as I am with the final results. I’m afraid I will never get her to leave now. We have similar tastes in décor so she really might feel that she lives here now.

“So what’s the plan? Welcome home party?!” I muse.

Her chest swells and falls. “Mmm…maybe me and Cyrus planned something to welcome you back.”

I drag one of my bags into the closet to start unpacking. I bit back a smile. I couldn’t wait to see him. The stream of dirty texts and pics made me ache for him so badly. To see him in his natural habitat made me feel like I used to before everything came to fruition. Giddy, anxious, excited, it all flowed through my veins in that moment when she said they had something planned.

“Usual spot?”

“You know it. Shall we pregame?”

Krys held up the bottle.

“Are you new here?”

Pop went the cork and I felt like it was the old times all over again. Didn’t even bother grabbing one of the fancy iridescent champagne flutes that I found online to drink out of. Straight up bottle to the head. So we drank and caught up and listened to Arctic Monkeys. Krys tells me all about her being in my apartment, placing things and hanging things and how she felt like my personal assistant, which was her way kind of hinting that she could do that as a job. I side eye her, reminding her that I’ve only published one book, that I didn’t know if I would have the funds to hire her just yet. Honestly, I didn’t think about my next step. My editor mentioned something about possibly writing another book but I shrugged it off a bit. Right now, I just wanted to enjoy the aftermath of it all and feel like a regular person, see if anything could be real between me and Cy. I was still young and I wanted to live my young life. Maybe that’s immature or irresponsible but it was how I felt. I had time to figure that out some, at least the summer or the rest of the year. My editor would make sure we would talk about it again. I did let Krys know that she did a fantastic job fixing my place up and that I would love for her to be my assistant if the universe grants me such a privilege. We talked about the tour, my fans, and how people responded to the book. She gave me all the gossip about the tribe that I missed out on or she forgot to tell me while on the road. Soon enough, the bottle was empty and we were half way through the six pack before it was time to head to my welcome home shindig.

When I reached the pub, I was greeted with open arms and shots. The tribe was extremely proud of my success and couldn’t help but show it. Even the owner of the pub came out to congratulate me. It was hard to be modest about it all but I felt like I did a good job keeping it under wraps. Hug after hug, after saying “aw thanks” at least twenty times, they dispersed to enjoy the party. I saw my usual seat open at the bar, where a long haired Cyrus stood like a proud boyfriend, grinning and beaming. I felt compelled to jump into his arms but definitely wanted to play cool in front of everyone. And of course he looks cool as hell in his cut off khaki Dickie’s and black button down shirt. Briefly, he looks away, running his fingers through his beautiful jet black hair, leaning up against the bar. I sit on my stool as he turns to the bartender, holding up two fingers.

“Hey. I’ve missed you.” He mumbles into my ear then quickly kisses me on the cheek. Two whiskey drinks appear before me. He grabs one and slides the other to me.

“You don’t say?” I reply coyly, sipping from the straw. The cheap whiskey burns my chest. “Maybe I’ve missed you too.”

“Maybe? Our nasty texts would say otherwise.” He nudges at me and I can’t resist the laugh.

“Yeah, yeah.” I dismiss him.

“So, how does it feel poet? Last time we were here, you were throwing shots back to back, stressing about a drunken night between friends. Now you’re a published author with an extremely handsome boyfriend that professed his love to you in this exact same spot.” He looks back at everyone in the room.

“Weird…yeah. Weird. I missed doing this more than you can imagine.” I take another sip, enjoying the burn this time.

“So it feels good to be back?”

The smell of incense starts floating through the air. It makes me grin, makes me feel at home. Krys is on duty. The fragrance takes me back to every single moment in this bar with these people acting dumb and having the best times of our lives.

“Yeah definitely.” I look over to him, admiring his autumn skin, his lips. “Life is weird sometimes isn’t it.”

His eyes meet mine. “Full circle my love.” We stare at each other for a moment, swooning and smiling. I reach out to push his hair behind his ear. He takes my hand and kisses my knuckles softly.

“HEY. CUT THAT CUTE SHIT OUT AND COME BURN ONE.” I hear one of his friends shout out to us. We both roll our eyes and yell obscenities back at him as we gather our drinks and join Krys and the homies.

A few hours later, I slur, “You stay getting me drunk mister.”

Cyrus had to carry me home to my bed, once again. I stumble around, trying to get my Vans off my feet. He tries to guide me to my room, protecting me from falling over the couch. He’s laughing at me, which is fine because life is funny. It’s funny that no matter how some things change, at least some things are still the same.

“When did you become such a lightweight though?” he’s holding me up by my hips as I try to untie my Sk8-Hi’s, still laughing.

“I suppose a three-month-ish hiatus is good on the liver but horrible on tolerance.” Finally the shoe is loose enough for me to kick across the room and land at the foot of my bed with a thud. “I don’t think I’m that bad right now, am I?”

Cyrus chuckles. “I think I’ve seen you worse if I really think about it.”

“I’m a fuckin champ. I don’t care what you say.”

Still by the hips, he guides me to my bed to sit me down.

“Yes, the real MVP always.”

Once he sits me, he is off to the kitchen to grab us waters.

“You always take care of me. Where would my drunk ass be without you Cy?”

He returns, putting the glasses on the nightstand.

“With Krys stumbling around in the streets. C’mon…” he tugs at the legs of my jeans, helping me get them off once he sees I’m struggling.

“Definitely. But you always carry me home like a real gentleman. Who would have known you’re such a gentleman back in high school?”

Cyrus frowns, “What? I didn’t give off that vibe back then?”

“Nah man,” I furiously shake my head, which makes me dizzier than I already am, “you were too cool. So cool and quiet people thought you were a jerk. But the eyes,” I point at them, “they give you away…every time. If anyone really paid attention.”

Softly, he laughs, looking at me skeptically. “Huh…you sure it wasn’t just you? I was too shy to say I was into you so I was trying to tell you with my eyes?”

Drunkenly I shrug. “Maybe. Only you know that for sure…but doesn’t matter now cuz you’re here and you’re mine and you’re sweet and it’s time to cuddle. So get those stupid pants off.”

Once in bed, we kiss and hold each other like it’s the last day on the planet. It felt right. This moment. Him here with me with no other worry in the world other than staying hydrated. And even now when I look in his eyes, the softness is still present. The spinning was getting to be too much so I closed my own. That old feeling of his fingers lining my lips reappeared and as I drifted off to sleep, I recount the first time he held me like this. Full circle. This was all I cared about, all I needed for so long. So many questions about us, about the future but this moment…this was the only answer.